Friends

Happy new year everyone!

I was 115 before xmas and now I am at about 118-123 throughout the day after eating and drinking. I feel so ashamed of myself and so angry that I cant do better. When im starving or when im eating healthy or when im binging on beer and chips on weekends i cant seem to break past 115. I think its time to start exercising more.

How do you ladies deal with going to the gym? I feel fat and horrendous and even the bigger people i see at the gym i say 'THEYRE in better shape then me. I cant be seen here!! This is only for good looking people or people who can exercise!'. I struggle with thinking that everyones watching me, that everyone can hear me breathing hard or see that im sweating...I used to love going to the gym-when i lived a block away from it and i could just run home after and shower there. When i could afford a personal trainer and wasnt afraid of walking fast on an incline on a treadmill for 2 hours straight watching ABDC. Now im scared. I live a 20 min bus ride away now-from my schools gym (free gym). I cant afford to go to the yoga studios near by or get a trainer. I have no friends who would want to go to the gym with me and honestly i dont want to go with any of them and for them to see my fat jiggle. I hate showering at the gym because i have to blow dry, then straighten my hair, carry a ton of clothes, separate shoes...Then i have to bus home-and i dont want to be that smelly girl sitting next to someone on the bus :X

How do people do this without a car???!!!

p.s. Cant run outside, its way below zero degrees here.

Nobodies been posting in a while,i hope everyones doing okay, but i need somewhere to vent so here goes (sorry, this might get a bit lengthy!)

I was doing so well until she turned up, and by 'she' i mean a friend of mine who's had an eating disorder for about 4 years and is still trying very hard to overcome it. Didn't take her long to realize what i was doing a while back yet she ended up going to a uni far from me so never really worried about it. Until now. Yup, she came back for christmas and now she's trying to make me fat!! Trying to make me see a doctor and asking hundreds of questions, of course, i lie. Yet she can see through the lies and it's breaking my heart treating her like this, she was always a close friend of mine ever since I was 3 and now i have no choice but to ignore her to avoid the questions. Everything came to a head last night and she demanded answers, so once again i lied yet it ended with her saying LIER at me and that she was only trying to help. We both attended a dance school and she joined in while she was back, so i've just spent the past 45 minuets in hell. I can't even look her in the eye anymore and everyone loves her so the whole class was speaking to her, except me. It hate not being able to make this all okay! I couldn't face saying goodbye ... so i didn't. She leaves on sunday, yet with the snow she may be here longer and i just can't face it. It hurts so, so much for me to treat her like this and i know that she's making herself worse which is bad considering she WANTS to get better. EUGHH! what do you do with people like this?! Only option i can see is to cut myself from her life... something that will break my heart and maybe hers. Anyone who bothered to read all that with any thoughts of what i could do i'd be grateful for.

Sorry about that, i hope you're all staying strong and thin!
MuchLovee
x

I've reached my first goal weight. 100 pounds yay! I guess I'm pretty of happy about it but I don't feel as excited as I thought I would. But I am happy because I know that if I could reach my first goal, I can reach my second goal (especially now that the holidays are over!!)